I'll Keep Your Secrets
by HarmonyMarguerite
Summary: It's a rainy night, Hakkai and Sanzo sit up and watch the rain. Songfic.


I'll Keep Your Secrets

HarmonyMarguerite

Saiyuki, Sanzo/Hakkai friendship

Disclaimer:I don't own. Otherwise, they would have been in bed together.

Warnings: Hand holding, odd thought process. Nothing much.

Song lyrics by Trans-Siberian Orchestra, the album Beethoven's Last Night. The two songs are I'll Keep Your Secrets, and After the Fall.

* * *

It was raining.

The sound echoed in the tiny room, where the two occupants sat motionless. Both were staring out the window, fascinated by the rain that fell. Sanzo sat at the window, while Hakkai occupied a bed across the room.

Lost in the dark

I see you there

Lightning flashed, snapping Hakkai out of his reverie. He blinked, transferring his gaze to Sanzo, who didn't seem bothered by it. Hakkai blinked again.

Sanzo's robe seemed tinged with blood.

What do you see beyond your stare

The rain fell.

Blood dripped down a purple dress, and splashed on the face of a young blond.

The memories twisted, and poured.

And you believe that no one else can know

Hakkai moved, sitting across from Sanzo on the window.

Was Sanzo bleeding?

What is this thing you keep inside

_The ghost of the past kissed the present_

_The blood fell_

Or was it the rain?

Nights like these, it was hard to tell the past from the present as the memories of blood transmuted onto those around you.

Hakkai wondered if Sanzo felt the same. Perhaps that was why he stared out the window, and refused to look inside. Hakkai looked outside, narrowing his eyes. If he imagined, he could see a temple, covered in water. There were lights on in a room, and a cry.

The blood fell.

Out of the light and wrapped in pride

Always afraid that one day it will show

Thunder crashed, breaking up the sound of the rain. After, the rain fell harder, no longer sounding like blood dripping to the floor.

Rainy nights were hard.

Sanzo shifted just slightly, turning to briefly gaze at Hakkai, then he turned away.

But Hakkai caught it.

_I couldn't protect him_

_I should have been there for her._

The scared young boy that stared at him from Sanzo's eyes. The young boy that begged for forgiveness from a man long gone.

I'll keep your secrets.

Hakkai only recognized it because it was the same look he saw in the mirror in his own eyes.

_God forgive me._

I'll hold your ground

_Please don't kill me_

_Kouryuu!_

_I just may be the thousandth youkai._

And when the darkness starts to fall

Sanzo kicked Hakkai in the shins.

Hakkai started, staring at the other man.

"Ch." Sanzo said. "Don't get so lost."

"Yes." Hakkai answered. "I'd hate not to come back."

Sanzo said nothing, simply returning his gaze back to the rain.

I'll be around there waiting

When dreams are fading

And friends are distant and few

Once upon a time there was a knife. Another time it was claws. Both ended worlds.

Know at that moment I'll be there with you

It was comforting to hold on to the breath of another person as the one in your memory stopped breathing and the only sound you could hear was the blood falling.

What are these voices that you hear

_Two voices calling_

_For mercy?_

_In pain._

_Tears are like rain_

Are they too far or far too near

It was raining on those nights.

_It helped wash away the blood_

It hid their tears.

What are these things that echo from the past

Hakkai let himself fall forward, the rain echoing in his ears.

_Her tears fell too loudly._

His head hit cloth. Sanzo's legs.

Sanzo started, staring.

_The tears wont come now, though they fell freely then._

He wished he was out in the rain.

_He could pretend he was crying._

Who are these ghosts you see at night

There in the shadows of your life

Sanzo moved, letting Hakkai's head hit the windowsill. With a sigh, he leaned forward, their heads next to each other, breath mingling.

_Blood made an odd sound when it fell._

They only live by the light you cast.

"Sometimes, the past is too close." Hakkai explained. "It breathes down your neck."

"Shut up." Sanzo replied. "Stop dwelling."

I'll keep your secrets

"And what are you doing?"

"Remembering."

I'll hold your ground.

Hakkai smiled.

_Bullshit_

"I see."

And when the darkness starts to fall

I'll be around there waiting

When dreams are fading

And friends are distant and few

It wasn't comfortable to lay like they were.

Sanzo was the first to sit up, watching as Hakkai did the same.

They looked at each other.

Know at that moment I'll be there with you

_Was it better or worse to have someone to share the blood with_

The rain was gentler now.

"You're annoying." Sanzo said frankly.

"I apologize."

"Shut up."

"Of course."

Sanzo returned his gaze to the window.

I'll be around

When there's no reason left to carry on

_What was the point?_

_I live for myself._

_Was that it?_

Hakkai sighed and stood. Tea. That's what they needed.

There was a hand on his sleeve.

And every dream you've ever had is gone

And the dark is deep and black without a sound

_It was better._

_To have someone next to you_

_To feel that someone else was alive_

_To know that your not alone when memory cuts._

No words were said, but Hakkai sat back down. Sanzo's hand slipped down to grasp Hakkai's, fingers resting on his wrist. They could feel the other's pulse.

_He's alive_

And that was something.

And every star has been dragged to the ground.

Know at that moment I will be around.

"_Try_

_I have tried_

_To pretend that I don't care_

_But then_

_Sleep arrives_

_And in every dream I find you there."_

And that was why they were still awake. Why they clutched onto the other's hand as if it were their only lifeline back out of memory.

Hakkai whispered. "But I don't want the past to be my life. And I don't want to live inside this night."

He couldn't say the next line.

"_But I don't want to see your shadow fade."_

He clutched Sanzo's hand harder.

The rain fell, as a girl with green eyes danced in blood and a blond man in a priest robe fell before his successor.

"_You can live your life in a thousand ways_

_But it all comes down to that single day_

_When you realize what you regret_

_What you can't reclaim but you can't forget_

_If I could fall back into my life_

_And find you there inside this night_

_And let eternity just drift away._

But if the past hadn't happened, there wouldn't be a warm hand in his, reassuring him that he was still alive.

**Since the day I was born till the day I die…**

**The only side I'm on is my own!**

Yes.

Perhaps that was the best.

The rain fell.

_But the blood simply became a puddle on the ground._


End file.
